Love itself isn't enough

He ran out of the front door and screamed out her name "Janice! Please don't go!"
It was raining hard, she can barely heard him calling out her name. He grabbed her hand and pulled her into his arms. She froze at the moment and then she pushed him away.

"I love you, Janice. Please don't leave me alone."

Janice stared at him. She was crying but the rain wiped off her tears.
"Love itself isn't enough, Derrick."

He insisted her to stay. She ran away. He kept calling her phone but it was turned off.
Every time he had a chance to dial her number, he did.

Until one day, an unknown number called his phone.
"Derrick..," the voice sounds familiar.
"Mrs. Tan?"
"Yes, it is me, Derrick. I want to tell you that..,"
"Did something happen?" Derrick knew something was wrong.
"Janice.. is gone."

Vain

This life is a never ending process.

Decisions making.

Managing your life.

Planning for future.

Living in the present.

Dreaming about the life you want.

Reaching for the best.

Simply, everything.

Within it, you will know what you need and what you want. But you can't just get them because the world never wanted you to be happy. It will try to break you down over and over again. You should fight for your life. You will give everything the world wants. You will struggle for everything you have planned. You run toward it, but there it is, the world always one step faster than you. The world will always be there, waiting for you, deciding which path you should go. And it is not the path you have planned. The world will always says 'NO' to everything you want. 

For every plan ruined.

For every motivations broke.

For every fight lost.

For every struggle means nothing.

For every strength weakened.

For every steps held.

For every effort was in vain.

You will lose everything.

You will have that one day, when you decide to take some rest.

You will stop trying.

You will not run.

You will just follow the world wants you to be.

You will obey every command it gives.

You will not deny your fate.

You will just go with the flow. 

You will lose the spirit.

Why?

Just because everything you did in the past ended in smoke.

Everything you fight for was in vain.

All of this time is wasted.

And you get nothing.

You have never live your life anyway.

Or will you live it someday?

Job VS Career

Driven by everything I felt these days, every thoughts, every struggling, here I am. Writing. Again.

Somehow, I miss writing. Expressing my feelings.

Okay. I am no more a teenager. I am an adult. Searching for something for my future. Deciding how will my future be. And how will I spend my whole life earning money.

But, you know, it is not about money. It is job. No, it is more than a job. It is career, my life.

Career and job is a whole different thing. as you can see here :

Career Job What is it? A career is the pursuit of a lifelong ambition or the general course of progression towards lifelong goals. Job is an activity through which an individual can earn money. It is a regular activity in exchange of payment. Requirements Usually requires special learning that includes individualized components that develop abilities beyond that which training is capable of. Education or Special training may or may not be required Risk taking A career may not mean stability of work as it encourages one to take risks. The risks are often internal and therefore planned. A job is “safe”, as stability of work and income is there. However shifting priorities, especially in resource jobs, can abruptly change the demand and require relocation which is an unstable factor. Risks may be completely external. Time Long term Short term Income Varies depending on value to society or to some other entity. Non-monetary benefits may be higher. Salary is more common. Varies by demand. More likely to be wage. Contribution to society May have high value as social change/progress may be possible. May actually have a negative impact when counterproductive social practices are continued in the name of protecting jobs.

(http://www.diffen.com/difference/Career_vs_Job)

 or here

A job is simply something you do to earn money. Career advancement is not something you’re interested in there and the work often doesn’t interest you at all. In five years, you’ll likely not be doing anything like your current job.

A career is a series of connected employment opportunities, where you build up skills at earlier employment opportunities to move you into higher paying and higher prestige employment opportunities later on. In five years, you’re planning to be doing something very similar to what you’re doing now, but hopefully with more income and more interesting problems to tackle.

(http://www.thesimpledollar.com/)

Thinking of this, no, I can't just look for a job. I need to find what I am good at, what I really want to be. I am not just earning money for life, I should be a great career woman, who will be known for her achievements and skills.

But,,,

This is the biggest problem:

I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT :(

I have been thinking of this, for past few weeks. And I feel so down.

I feel that I can't just stay here. Just sit and watch and doing this stupid routine without having any guarantee for my FUTURE.

Please, Oh dear, I ain't staying here. I am going to somewhere else better! One day! Just wait and see!

But then, 

I realize, those big companies I dream about always requires graduates from REPUTABLE UNIVERSITY.

There I go, down. Again. Since my university is not a reputable uni.

And I have been thinking, will I get the chance to get on top?

I have applied to some big companies I've been dreaming of. And it has been 2-4 weeks. I haven't got a clue. For now, I am just hoping that they will call me to have a test and an interview. 

Or maybe, they won't. just because I am not from a reputable university.

I once thought: I have my working experience, that will make me worth one day. But I don't think so.

Yes, I have been very negative thinking about this kind of thing. 

But I do believe that I can achieve my dreams one day. One day.

I should start working on myself. Improving myself for better future.

I should find myself. What I want to be, and what I need to be.

Stop waiting, Audrey!! Stop waiting!! Do something from NOW!